God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
