Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just googled if crying burns calories
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
