She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
