This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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