Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Randomize
