I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
