hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
