when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
