Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
