she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
