I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
