Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
there is glitter all over my balls
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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