what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
There's always time for handjobs
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
