tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
