dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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