I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
