Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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