i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
