my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
