At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
