Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
