When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
