It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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