all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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