end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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