i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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