Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
