The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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