rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
