Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
