I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
