Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
