The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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