You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
