U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
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