its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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