I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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