I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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