My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
