I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
