My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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