I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
