Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
birth control should be required to get into college
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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