Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
