Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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