it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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