Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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