if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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