dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
