i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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