she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
