Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
